February 28, 2011 - There are some days...

...and this is one of them. I've blogged several times about the relationship with my stepchildren. Most of the time I have tried to blog about the good days and the victories.
Today's post is not about a victory. My now 18-year-old stepson was 11 when I met his dad, 14 when I married his dad and we have always had a good relationship. He was the one I bonded with first, and for the most part the one I've felt the closest relationship. But about a year ago, it's like he turned a corner and everything changed. One day he was the way he had always been ... and the next day he was this all-attitude-chip-on-his-shoulder-questioning-everything-teenager. We have had some difficult days in the last year. Twice, because of his attitude, we have sent him away from our house to stay with his mom (who lives in the same town). Twice we have allowed him to return to our home - with the understanding that his attitude needs to change if he wants to continue living here.
In all honesty, I can tell he's trying to 'follow the rules,' but it's like he's following the 'letter of the law,' but missing the intent of the law. And we have struggled... Yesterday, I felt I had reached the end of my rope in coping with his trying to go over, around, or through the rules instead of just accepting them. Maybe that's just too hard for a teenage boy these days... I don't know. I was upset anyway. I talked to his dad...his dad and I tried talking to him...again. I could tell from his posture that he wasn't going to listen to anything we had to say... that he felt our restrictions on him were unjustified... that he felt we were being unfair - and for a brief moment I almost changed my mind about having the conversation at all, but by now, his dad was all into the discussion.
I kept my words short. I kept my anger in check. I kept my voice soft. But what he heard was if he broke one more rule, he'd be asked to leave again. 'Don't worry about it,' he shouted. 'I'll leave tonight.' 'You're always on my case and in my face.' 'I don't care anymore...' and with that he got up, packed some clothes in a backpack and stormed out the door. His dad said, 'Be careful.' He said, 'Thanks for nothing.' And the door slammed shut.
My heart is aching right now. Aching for him. Aching for his dad. Aching for me. That's not what we wanted. Not what we planned. When is the time to let go? How do you accept that you've done all you can do, and now it's up to them? How do you know?
There are some days...

I've been right here...

This day is Saturday, August 30, 2014. It began like any other Saturday ... except while we were eating breakfast, the house phone rang. Very unusual for this early on a Saturday. The thought flitted through my mind that it might be Christy (with an update on Ty), but we listened for a message but there wasn't one. When I looked at the caller ID, it just had a number that I didn't recognize.
When I went upstairs to get ready to take Bon Jovi for his morning walk, I grabbed my cell phone and had a missed call from the same number. I called back, but got a generic voicemail message without a name. So, I left a message to call me back. And Bon Jovi and I went for our walk...
While out walking, my cell rings and it's the same number from before. I answered and it is Christy.
She sounds emotional, not exactly crying, but emotional. She tells me that they love me. They all love me. We haven't always made the best decisions, and, Rick could really use some family right now... The last few days have been really hard on both of them with Ty in the hospital and he would really like to see me. (The back story is Ty was taken to the hospital late last Sunday with a severe asthma attack.)
In that one moment, with those six words - Rick would like to see you, I felt a physical release of the burden of the last 16 years. Ever since the night, standing in the Two Guys parking lot just three weeks after they got married, when they told us 'they didn't need family any more', it's been a huge weight to carry - one I tried many times to give to The Lord and trust him to work it out, but always ended up picking the burden up again... and I said, 'Where is he? I'll be there as soon as I can.' He was  with Ty at Loma Linda Hospital.
That was at 9:00 a.m., by 10:00 I had showered, dressed, and was at the hospital. I found Ty's room, started to walk in but then noticed Rick was wearing a mask, so I knocked. He came to the door, gave me a mask, I went in and we hugged. 'How are you?,' I asked. 'Oh, I'm fine,' he replied... Then I said hello to Ty, and gave him a hug. And then the doctors came in to see how he was doing and if he was well enough to be released to go home.
When the doctors left, I was talking to Ty and watching him play a computer game. He looked up at me and asked, 'Who are you?' Oh, wow. My heart just dropped and became a lump in my stomach and I had to pause a minute to compose myself. I looked over at Rick, then said, "I am your dad's mom. I am your Grandma." Ty looked at me and then said, "I have two?" "Yes. I'm Ma-Deiga.'
You're Ma-Deiga? ... and you could just see him make the connection between the cards/gift cards in the mail and the person standing in front of him. And the lump in my stomach disappeared and my heart started beating again...
Key phrases Rick would like to see some family
We love you. We all love you. We haven't always made the best decisions.
(Ty) Who are you? (Me) after a slight pause to compose myself  I am your Dad''s  mom. I am  your Grandma.
(Ty) I have two?? ((me) Yes, I'm  Ma-Deiga
(Ty) You're  Ma-Deiga??  (me)  Yes


He says  I love you.  Will you  come to  my house?

The 3rrd  time he  asks me to come to his house, Christy hears and  says, "yes.. We will  have you  come over for a bbq..

How Did We Miss It?...

How did we miss Him?... I've gotten hooked on Bible Journaling this year. I love the craftiness part, but I also love how much more connected to the Word I feel. There's something 'magical' that happens when the hand and mind are focused on the same thing ...
During December I've been going through an Advent study about the Promises and the Fulfillment of those promises (prophecies) in Jesus Christ. First, I never knew what 'Advent' was about or what it meant. Turns out, Advent means 'the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event.' For Christians, this is obviously celebrating the arrival of Jesus, our  Savior.
So why, having been raised in a Christian home, and being a 'believer' my whole life, have I never known about 'Advent?' I'm pretty sure the main reason is because the Churches of Christ do not celebrate Christmas as the birth of Jesus. In fact, the church(es) of my childhood and young adulthood, went out of their way to prove that Jesus couldn't have been born in December. (And, of  course, the Bible doesn't give us an exact date - does it really matter? The point is to celebrate the birth of our Savior! Immanuel, God with us... Without his 'birth,' there would have been no perfect life, no death on the cross to pay for our sins, no resurrection to conquer death and give us hope of eternal life!
We wonder as we read the Bible, how so many people and especially the religious  leaders 'missed' recognizing the promised Messiah's arrival. But then, it's not so hard to believe because we have both the prophecies and their fulfilment written down - and we allowed ourselves to miss it...miss Him. 
I have loved the Advent study of the Promises. I have loved celebrating Jesus' birth. I'm sorry I missed it for all those years by being misled.
One thing is for sure. While many may have missed his first coming, No one will miss Him when He comes again.

The Lord himself will come down from heaven with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel,and with the trumpet call of God. And those who have died believing in Christ will rise first. After that those of us who are still alive will be gathered up with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And we will be with the Lord forever. (I Thessalonians 4:16-17).

Maranatha ...Lord, come quickly.

Tales from the Bus Loop

Today is the first day of school for Redlands High School (and most schools in the Redlands School District, I guess). It was weird to see the big yellow school buses around town again, and waiting behind them as they stopped at the train tracks.
As we drove by the High School this morning on the way to work ('we' being Bon Jovi and me), the kids were walking to class and Bon Jovi started wagging his tail. I think he thought we were picking up Matthew! Makes sense, this is the way we would go to school to pick him up after school, and drop him off for football practice and pick him up again afterwards. The 'bus loop' was a regular stop for Bon Jovi and he recognized where we were immediately. Funny, that the dog should remember that, especially since I was thinking about school days and the bus loop this morning while getting dressed for work.
When I first married Ron, and I had kids with school schedules and sports schedules to coordinate again...it was a little overwhelming to say the least. I had been an 'empty nester' for ten years. Now I was getting snacks for lunches, taking kids to school, waiting in the bus loop (or at their mom's house) to pick them up after I got off work. And yes, I complained.
But it was in those 10 minute drives to and from school that gave me the opportunity to build a relationship one on one with each of my stepsons. Family connections were made around the dinner table at night, but the personal relationships were formed during the drive to school and back each day.
This year the last child graduated from High School. The day I had been looking forward too for so long ... but now, of course, I look back on those school days fondly and remember most of them as good days. 
A new Season of Life is beginning ... again.

A Good Day?...

It was 3:00 in the afternoon, on Saturday. I was at the bank. The teller asked me, "Are you having a good day?" I automatically answered, "Yes." Then I chuckled ... "Well, I had to give my stepson money this morning. We had to take the dog to the Vet. It cost $200. Now I'm depositing money into my daugter-in-law's account. It's an expensive day, but I guess it's a good day."  She chuckled also, and said, "I hope you can enjoy the rest of your day." And I smiled.
It had been an expensive day. Not the day I had planned at all. But kids are forever - even 'furry' kids, and it is a good feeling when you can help someone else.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in trouble, with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

What do you do here all day?

The background story is this:
There's a gentleman who lives in the retirement home across the street from our church. He started coming to our church after he began 'dating' one of the other ladies in the retirement home who came to our church. He (and his daughter) were eventually baptized ... and he and Carolyn (his date) came to church together every Sunday for months. Now, Carolyn's health is declining ... and she hasn't been to church with him in 4 or 5 weeks. But he still comes most every Sunday alone.
He walks around the church neighborhood and church parking lot in the mornings about the same time I arrive to work, and take Bon Jovi (my dog) on his first walk of the day. The gentleman's name is Jim. Jim and I see each other most mornings on our walks. We stop and chat a bit. I ask him about Carolyn. Not good, he says... Then this morning he asks: "What do you do here all day?" (chuckling to myself, thinking there are probably a lot of people who wonder what I do). But the fact is, I have a lot of things to do on a weekly basis. Tasks divided up among the four days I work each week. Most of what I do is preparing for Sunday, but there are other basic secretarial and treasurer type things I do, too. So I told him - secretarial duties, typing the bulletin, paying the bills, and creating the slide shows for Sundays. He seemed satisfied...
Then I get into the office, and one of the college students wrote on her membership card: "Thank you, Deiga, for all you do on a weekly basis!"
What do you do here? ...
(Answer the phone, general copy work, open and distribute the mail, attendance, type visitor list and letters, send lists to elders, send emails to those serving in the Sunday assembly, type and print the weekly announcement sheet, email to absentees, create song and announcement slide shows, copy songs for praise team and song leader, create and print monthly church calendar insert, prepare materials for the Praise and Worship Design team, print and compile annual church directory, order office supplies, keep bulletin board and budget board up to date, maintain keys, and master church calendar, order flowers for funerals, activate phone tree when directed, maintain computer membership program, send new member and baptism letters, write payroll checks and pay bills, reconcile bank statement, prepare monthly financial statements, oversee mission funds, pay employee taxes monthly online and quarterly by mail.) 
Thank you for all you do on a weekly basis. 

Kids, Grandkids, and Mother's Day

He said, "I'm sorry your grandbabies live so far away. I didn't understand before, but now I do."
'He' is Steve Kay, the preacher at the church where I work as the secretary. I guess that makes him my boss, but not your typical boss-employee relationship. More like friends who work together.
Of course, my 'grandbabies' aren't babies anymore. They range in age from 6 to 16. But he was referring to when I first became a grandma, and my kids lived here. First with Bevan, then Eric, and finally Garrett, I watched them one or two days a week. And on those days I brought them to work with me. I had a portable crib at the office and in between babysitting duties I worked. Steve complained some about me having my grandkids there, but didn't tell me I couldn't bring them. And the babysitting duties didn't last very long at all. Michael and Melinda moved to Kentucky when Bevan was about eight months old. Eric was with me for a few weeks when he was a baby and then again when he was 3 or 4. Garrett, just a few times as a baby.
Fast forward 10-15 years, now Steve has become a grandpa. His grandson, Daniel, was born last year, and his granddaughter, Grace, was just born about six weeks ago. His grandkids are the love of his life right now, and they live close by and they get to see them and babysit them often. Now, he gets it.
Now, the roles are reversed and, while I'm happy for him, I don't want to hear about all of the time he gets to spend with them...
I'm sorry my grandkids live so far away, too.

Today, May 9, 2014 is Garrett's 12th birthday. Twelve. I had to look up his birthdate to be sure and yep, he's twelve. One more reminder of all of the wasted years I haven't got to see and get to know Rick's kids. Oh, I sent Garrett a b-day card and gift card. He called me to thank me this afternoon. But you could tell we didn't have much to say. I asked him how he was celebrating. He said they were going out for Chinese food. Then Christy asked me if I remembered making Garrett's Mickey Mouse crib set. Oh, yes I do. In fact today I was thinking about the day they brought him home (he is adopted and was about 6 months old). We (his grandpa Al and me) went over to see him and got to hold him for the first time. He was our first adopted grandchild and I can tell you, you love them just the same. His grandpa and I were there when he celebrated his first birthday in 2003, but then three weeks later, his grandpa left me for another woman. That was the last birthday I celebrated with him and today he is twelve. Christy asked if I wanted to talk to Rick (I think it was so he wouldn't need to call me on Mother's Day in two days). Sure I want to talk to him. But that conversation was just as awkward as the one with Garrett. A little more small talk, but he's been out of my life by his choice for 15 years and sadly there's not much common ground. And it hurts. It hurts a lot.
Separated by miles and time, but never out of my mind or heart...Being a mom and a grandma are still the most precious of my life's accomplishments. 

Remembering Christmas

It's Christmas Day 2013. Twenty-thirteen! I'm not sure I ever really thought about what life would be like in 2013 - seemed way too far in the future. But here I am living in the future.
For the most part, today started like any other day. Devo, breakfast, walk the dog -  but while walking  Bon Jovi, at around 8:00 a.m., kids in the neighborhood were already out riding new bicycles, and riding toys and even a dirt bike on the river bed trail. My mind flashed back to those days when my boys were little and they were outside riding bikes, and/or playing with whatever toy Santa brought. I had to smile.
Back at home after the walk, I shower and get dressed.
Ron is lying on the couch watching a movie on TV.
Matthew is still asleep.
Yep, it seems like a normal day off, except there is a Christmas tree in the living room with presents around it. Not your normal day off at all.
The plan was for Sarah to get here between 10-10:30 a.m. Then eat lunch right at noon, so she could leave to go down to Pete's parent's house for Christmas with them. We were sandwiched in between a few minutes with her mom this morning, and dinner and Christmas with her future in-laws this afternoon/evening. (Next Christmas I think we'll have to plan to celebrate on different days, it will wear them out trying to get to three parents' houses in one day. That would be nuts.)
We all knew she would be late...but I went ahead with the meal prep timeline anyway. The menu is pretty simple this year. There are only four of us.
Ham
Sweet Potatoes
Corn on the cob (new menu item this year instead of mashed potatoes and gravy)
Green Bean Casserole
Salad
Dinner rolls
Apple pie, Christmas cut-out Sugar cookies, and Fudge for dessert.
Simple, but yummy.
Sure enough, Sarah didn't get here until 11:00 a.m. By then the Ham was ready to come out of the oven and brushed with the glaze, the vegetables would go in the oven at 11:30, then return the Ham to the oven after glazing and boiling the water for the corn.
After hugs and hellos, Ron read the Christmas story, from Luke 2. It's a tradition with us, and especially this year since the kids weren't at church Sunday. It's always a good way to keep our minds focused on the reason for the season. The kitchen timer went off... then Michael called. They had finished opening presents already. I talked to all of them for a few minutes, they were happy and excited about their gifts. I hated to cut the conversation short, but I explained we were just getting ready to open presents...
Matthew was happy with his new xbox game, xbox live one year subscription, and gifts cards for clothes, gas, and food.
Sarah was very excited about the LSAT trilogy to study for the test again. Who else would be excited about text books for Christmas? She was also very happy about the Suits, season 3 (which is pre-ordered), and gift cards for clothing, and gas.
We all thought it was weird without Aaron, and quieter, too. (He's coming home Sunday after the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl game on Saturday).
Ron loved the cologne, Angels baseball tickets, and his annual Franklin Planner refill, but this year he got a new binder, too. He had asked for a hydraulic jack so he could begin working on his car, but I knew he didn't really want a car jack. Later he admitted he liked the Angel tickets and gift cards to Bass Pro and Starbuck's much better. Yeh, I knew that. He's such a kid.
I was excited to open my iPad mini. It's a gift from Ron, even though I picked it out and paid for half of it! But it's what I wanted and it was on sale...I'm excited, but afraid to use it. I want to really like it and be glad I got it. I was also very happy with the necklace and earrings Ron picked out when we met at the mall a couple of days ago. (He should have got only one or the other, not both, but they are beautiful).
Lunch was good and everything was hot, but not over cooked or anything in spite of the fact that I had to keep going back and forth while opening presents to take things out and/or put things in. Fortunately, the table was already set.
Sarah left right after lunch. Matthew played his new game. Ron continued watching the movie on TV. I did the dishes.
We went to see The Hobbit in the afternoon. That's another tradition in our family now. We got there about 45 minutes before the show time. We didn't have to wait in line for tickets, or snacks, or even to get into the theater. And we had pretty much our choice of seats. But we were soon glad we had arrived early, because the theater quickly filled up. I loved this movie. It's my favorite so far in the series, but the ending is driving me crazy. Will I have to wait until next Christmas to find out what happens? (I guess I could read the book).
It was a really good Christmas, and I was more thankful than usual for the presents under the tree - maybe because of the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class and being conscious of where the money is going. Maybe because of Tina's health challenges (throat cancer) and just wanting to enjoy life every day. Whatever the reason, I am grateful.
Tired from the excitement of the day (and the days leading up to today), we just had leftovers from lunch - which was still awesome. Then settled in to relax a bit on the couch and watch TV.
I still love looking at the lights on the Christmas tree even without any presents, so peaceful.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.