February 28, 2011 - There are some days...

...and this is one of them. I've blogged several times about the relationship with my stepchildren. Most of the time I have tried to blog about the good days and the victories.
Today's post is not about a victory. My now 18-year-old stepson was 11 when I met his dad, 14 when I married his dad and we have always had a good relationship. He was the one I bonded with first, and for the most part the one I've felt the closest relationship. But about a year ago, it's like he turned a corner and everything changed. One day he was the way he had always been ... and the next day he was this all-attitude-chip-on-his-shoulder-questioning-everything-teenager. We have had some difficult days in the last year. Twice, because of his attitude, we have sent him away from our house to stay with his mom (who lives in the same town). Twice we have allowed him to return to our home - with the understanding that his attitude needs to change if he wants to continue living here.
In all honesty, I can tell he's trying to 'follow the rules,' but it's like he's following the 'letter of the law,' but missing the intent of the law. And we have struggled... Yesterday, I felt I had reached the end of my rope in coping with his trying to go over, around, or through the rules instead of just accepting them. Maybe that's just too hard for a teenage boy these days... I don't know. I was upset anyway. I talked to his dad...his dad and I tried talking to him...again. I could tell from his posture that he wasn't going to listen to anything we had to say... that he felt our restrictions on him were unjustified... that he felt we were being unfair - and for a brief moment I almost changed my mind about having the conversation at all, but by now, his dad was all into the discussion.
I kept my words short. I kept my anger in check. I kept my voice soft. But what he heard was if he broke one more rule, he'd be asked to leave again. 'Don't worry about it,' he shouted. 'I'll leave tonight.' 'You're always on my case and in my face.' 'I don't care anymore...' and with that he got up, packed some clothes in a backpack and stormed out the door. His dad said, 'Be careful.' He said, 'Thanks for nothing.' And the door slammed shut.
My heart is aching right now. Aching for him. Aching for his dad. Aching for me. That's not what we wanted. Not what we planned. When is the time to let go? How do you accept that you've done all you can do, and now it's up to them? How do you know?
There are some days...

I've been right here...

This day is Saturday, August 30, 2014. It began like any other Saturday ... except while we were eating breakfast, the house phone rang. Very unusual for this early on a Saturday. The thought flitted through my mind that it might be Christy (with an update on Ty), but we listened for a message but there wasn't one. When I looked at the caller ID, it just had a number that I didn't recognize.
When I went upstairs to get ready to take Bon Jovi for his morning walk, I grabbed my cell phone and had a missed call from the same number. I called back, but got a generic voicemail message without a name. So, I left a message to call me back. And Bon Jovi and I went for our walk...
While out walking, my cell rings and it's the same number from before. I answered and it is Christy.
She sounds emotional, not exactly crying, but emotional. She tells me that they love me. They all love me. We haven't always made the best decisions, and, Rick could really use some family right now... The last few days have been really hard on both of them with Ty in the hospital and he would really like to see me. (The back story is Ty was taken to the hospital late last Sunday with a severe asthma attack.)
In that one moment, with those six words - Rick would like to see you, I felt a physical release of the burden of the last 16 years. Ever since the night, standing in the Two Guys parking lot just three weeks after they got married, when they told us 'they didn't need family any more', it's been a huge weight to carry - one I tried many times to give to The Lord and trust him to work it out, but always ended up picking the burden up again... and I said, 'Where is he? I'll be there as soon as I can.' He was  with Ty at Loma Linda Hospital.
That was at 9:00 a.m., by 10:00 I had showered, dressed, and was at the hospital. I found Ty's room, started to walk in but then noticed Rick was wearing a mask, so I knocked. He came to the door, gave me a mask, I went in and we hugged. 'How are you?,' I asked. 'Oh, I'm fine,' he replied... Then I said hello to Ty, and gave him a hug. And then the doctors came in to see how he was doing and if he was well enough to be released to go home.
When the doctors left, I was talking to Ty and watching him play a computer game. He looked up at me and asked, 'Who are you?' Oh, wow. My heart just dropped and became a lump in my stomach and I had to pause a minute to compose myself. I looked over at Rick, then said, "I am your dad's mom. I am your Grandma." Ty looked at me and then said, "I have two?" "Yes. I'm Ma-Deiga.'
You're Ma-Deiga? ... and you could just see him make the connection between the cards/gift cards in the mail and the person standing in front of him. And the lump in my stomach disappeared and my heart started beating again...
Key phrases Rick would like to see some family
We love you. We all love you. We haven't always made the best decisions.
(Ty) Who are you? (Me) after a slight pause to compose myself  I am your Dad''s  mom. I am  your Grandma.
(Ty) I have two?? ((me) Yes, I'm  Ma-Deiga
(Ty) You're  Ma-Deiga??  (me)  Yes


He says  I love you.  Will you  come to  my house?

The 3rrd  time he  asks me to come to his house, Christy hears and  says, "yes.. We will  have you  come over for a bbq..