Signs of the Times...

My heart is burdened today. It's December 17 and Christmas is coming fast. I set aside today as the day to finish my shopping, get the cards in the mail, and be ready to (hopefully) enjoy the last few days before Christmas. But my heart is burdened.

It all started yesterday with the news that one of my all time favorite scrapbook artists, Ali Edwards, and her husband are getting a divorce. (He wants to go in a different direction. What is that supposed to mean!) I don't actually know Ali personally. But I feel this connection with her. One, because I've been a fan of hers since I discovered her amazing talent for storytelling with words and photos in Creating Keepsakes Magazine. She inspires me. Two, she lives in Oregon (where my kids live). Three, her son has autism. My grandson, Bevan, who lives in Oregon, has Asperger's (a form of autism). I follow her blog. I participate in December Daily and Week in the Life projects. I've taken two online classes. I just feel connected. She seemed to have the 'perfect' family. Don't we all until you get behind closed doors. But she and her family seemed very real. You could see the relationship in the photos with them and their kids (Simon and Anna), but maybe the relationship was more with the kids and less with each other. I don't know ... but I feel 'let down' in knowing they are getting a divorce. Who is safe these days. I've already been through one. I don't intend to go through another. (I didn't intend to go through the first one), but it frightens me... and my heart aches for her and her kids. Especially her kids.

Then my own kids (in Portland) have really been having some tougher than usual financial times. I've even helped them out with their internet/TV bill twice this year. Today, I tried calling their cell phones to ask a question about last minute Christmas stuff...and it appears their service has been disconnected. I don't know if their internet is still working or not - though I did try sending a message. My heart is burdened for them. Knowing how difficult it is anyway and in the economic times we've been going through these last few years - it's more difficult. I can't reach them right now. I can't help them right now. My heart aches and I worry about them.

And then, while I'm out shopping. Ron calls and tells me that Tina got served with eviction papers. Not just a plea by the landlord, but the real deal. The sheriff showing up at the door. Thirty days pay or get out. Seriously, the week before Christmas?! And Matthew is the one who opened the door. I picked up Aaron a few minutes later - we already had an appointment to go to the bank to put his financial aid money into an account with us so we can help him learn to budget... He's not sure what his mom will do. He says she'll figure it out. Matthew lives with us anyway. Sarah rents a house near Pepperdine, so even though she wants to be 'home,' she does have a place to go. Aaron is the one without many options. Push comes to shove, he could stay with us awhile - but right now we're barely making ends meet with just the 3 of us. And the rest of the year, the next 15 days will be tight. My heart is burdened for the kids right now ... how tough it must be to know your mom might not have a place to live. And what about Christmas? Actually, my heart is burdened for her too. She's certainly made some bad choices, but I wouldn't wish these troubles on anyone ...

I prayed a lot today... it's hard sometimes to trust in God, because trusting in God means waiting on God. And waiting is hard ...

Three Phone Calls {September 23, 2011}

5:45 a.m. The land line phone rang. I can't read the caller ID, but concerned that it might be Ron, I get up to answer it. It wasn't Ron. It was Suzie from VPI Pet Insurance! Are you kidding me? I told her it was 5:45 in the morning and she would have to call back later...much later!
7:10 a.m. Driving Matthew to school a little later than usual because he had so much stuff to gather up for Homecoming today, and the weekend at his mom's...While I'm driving he calls his mom to set up the exchange of lunch and dress clothes. I don't know what she was talking about because I could only hear his side of the conversation - but he told her to stop talking that way...you're weird, Mom. Just come at 11:30. Bye turd." (bye, turd? to his mother?!- total disrespect, and yet that is how the relationship has evolved. Love her, yes. Respect her, no. Very sad).

5:00 p.m. Today Bevan is 14 years old (fourteen!). I had called him earlier to wish him Happy Birthday, but he was out riding his bicycle. When he called me back, he sounded sad. He said he was OK, but his toe hurt. (He has another ingrown toenail). They haven't really decided what they are doing for his birthday yet. Tonight they are going to Family Fun Night at Trevor's school. We didn't talk long because he was really interested in a Sponge Bob cartoon! Well, Happy Birthday, Bevan...

{Happy} Graduation Day!

June 2, 2011
Today my stepson, Aaron, graduated from High School.
Graduation was at 7:00 p.m. Remembering how difficult it was to find a place to sit when his sister graduated three years ago, I wanted to get there early.
I had to park a couple of blocks away, but as I was walking to the Bowl, I saw a bunch of graduates standing around Smiley Library and there, a head taller than everyone else, is Aaron. I take a photo, then go say Hi ... and take a photo of him. Then go try to find a place to sit.
(In 2008 when Sarah graduated, I waited until Ron got home from work so we could go together - we only found a place because we saw some former neighbors who scooted over to give us room). So, this time I told Ron I would meet him there ... the 'gates' opened at 5:30, I arrived at 6:00 to find it almost completely full! And the seats that were available were 'being saved.' I finally convinced one family to scoot over a bit and I had a spot, but there would be no room for Ron when he arrived. In fact, he ended up standing for the whole two hour ceremony! (note to self: when Matthew graduates in three more years, plan to go in the afternoon and camp out for a spot.)
I really enjoyed the whole ceremony this year. The speeches, by both students and faculty, were interesting and entertaining, the music was good. Not sure why I enjoyed it so much more this time around, maybe I was more relaxed and comfortable in my role as a stepmom. Whatever the reason, I was very proud when the graduating class of 2011 began walking on stage to receive their diploma. And when Aaron's name was called, I thought 'that's our son.' Happy Day!
After the ceremony was over, we hung around knowing Aaron (and Matthew) would find us - and they did. Aaron gave me a great big hug and said "I love you so much." (considering all that's gone on in the last year, that was huge.) Big hug for dad and Matthew, too. A few pictures and High School is over for Aaron. We are very proud of him. Happy he's graduated, and even happier that he's going to Riverside Community College next year ...

Saturday

It's 6:55 a.m. on Saturday morning, September 3, 2011. A little early for a Saturday morning, but today Matthew is playing with the Redlands Terriers Football team at the ESPN Sport Center in Orlando, Florida. They've been there since Tuesday night. The Varsity played Thursday and beat the team from Florida 21-7. Now the pressure is on the Junior Varsity. I got up at 6:30 ... moved the computer to the kitchen counter, and turned it on. While waiting for it to 'boot up,' I enjoyed a cup of coffee before waking Ron up... At 6:52 a.m. I've logged into redlandsfootball.com and walk upstairs to wake Ron. He joined me downstairs, I hit the play button and they were just getting ready for the National Anthem before the game begins. I fixed our usual Saturday morning waffles, and with the play-by-play streaming over the internet, we ate breakfast listening to the game and waiting to hear Matthew's name...then they called out #58 - that's Matthew's number! But the announcers didn't have his name on their list...
Actually, I was impressed with how the game was going. They hadn't done well in a scrimmage game the week before, in fact they lost 34-7. But from the play-by-play, it sounded like they were playing well in this game and the defense was really stepping up especially when the other team was in scoring position. We scored first, then scored again! We're leading 14-0.
When Matthew pressured the Quarterback, they called his number again and said, 'we have got to send someone down on the field and get his name.' Soon, they announced #58 was Matt Bennett and he had almost sacked the Quarterback again. Wow, how we wished we were there!
Still it was such a nice morning - we were still in our PJ's, Ron was alternately laying in the floor with Bon Jovi or sitting in one of the chairs. I sat in the other chair - both of us listening to every play. Each smiling at the other whenever we heard his name or number. We were parents proud of our son. We were happy and content sharing this time together. During half-time we called Ron's mom, who was also listening to the game in South Carolina. And when the game ended and we had won 14-7, I had tears in my eyes I was so happy. So proud of Matthew. I'm sure for Matthew, it made spending the summer standing in front of Gerrard's market selling tickets to the latest fund-raiser worth it ...

Today, Monday, August 15, 2011

Today was the first day of implementing my new 'schedule.' The schedule being one that includes both scrapbooking and exercising. I completed a 2 page layout for the "Things We Do" album, for the section Days we celebrate. It was a layout for this year's July 4th. Love it. Love that I'm scrapbooking - but have to work up to the endurance and stamina I used to have when scrapbooking alot. I was tired by lunch time. I'm realizing I need some background papers in your basic black, white, cement/kaft, and maybe brown/tan and navy blue, too. That is a difference that comes with not scrapbooking with Creative Memories pages - but it's OK.
I did go to the Y (from 2-3 p.m.) before picking up Matthew; then went to Staters for fruit and ice cream and a few other things I couldn't get at Sam's on Saturday. Wow, we'll eat good this week (steak for dinner tonight), but next week - it will probably be Mac 'n Cheese! Everything is just so expensive. I find myself wondering if we're the only ones struggling so ...
All in all, it was a good day. And by the way, the rib eye steaks were melt-in-your-mouth delicious!

Happy 40th Birthday, Rick!

So, today is my oldest son's 40th birthday. Yikes! how did I get old enough to have a son who is 40... The feelings about that will have to wait until another post. As mentioned in my post a couple of days ago, we haven't spoken in a couple of years, and haven't seen each other longer than that. Still I send cards... today I decided to try calling the last number I had for them. After three rings, Rick said, "Hello." I was more than a little surprised, but I said "Hi, Rick. It's your Mom." "Hi, Mom." I wished him a Happy Birthday. Asked how he was doing (Fine). Then I didn't know what to say. It was awkward. I even told him I didn't know what to say. So, he asked how my husband and family were doing. Good - they're getting older too. Then he said, "Today is Ty's birthday, too. He's 4." I said, "I sent him a card. I thought it was his birthday, but I didn't know how old he was." So, he's 4... we chatted just a few more minutes then I was starting to cry, so I said good-bye. Awkward, yes. But so nice to hear his voice. I told him I loved him. He said, "I love you, too."

When?

When did I become no longer the best? I discovered some 'old' keepsakes today. An odd assortment of cards from my younger son, his wife, their first little boy. A printout of the sonogram picture of Eric (Rick's oldest). And, a Mother's Day card from Rick (no date, but it must have been 1997 since he got married in 1998). A beautiful card, signed "You're the best. I love you, Rick."
He turns 40 in 3 days. I haven't spoken to him (or more accurately, he hasn't spoken to me) in about 2 years. I send birthday cards every year. I send birthday cards and gift cards for birthdays and Christmas to 2 'unknown' grandchildren ... so, when did I become no longer 'the best?'
The relationship is obviously complicated. It's been complicated since 1998, but it's gotten progressively worse since his dad and I divorced 8 years ago.
Still, whenever I read a card or note from him that I've saved. I remember the little boy, the teenager, the young adult, my oldest son. Who was my best friend. Who thought I was the best.

Happy Birthday Bon Jovi (the dog)...

{July 11, 2008}
I guess it's pretty tiring to turn three years old. Here's Bon Jovi on his third birthday - looking oh so cute sleeping on my chair. You have certainly changed our lives... we love you little pup!

Some Kind of Wonderful...

{July 10, 2011}
Our 4th anniversary was July 1. On that day we were busy working and then picking up Sarah at LAX. She was returning from Argentina. So, we're just now celebrating... it was worth the wait. The mountains have always been my favorite. I love the cool, crisp, clean air. I love the silence -except for the rustling of the leaves, and the water rushing in the creek. I love all of the tall trees. I love the mountains. And from where we live, it's just a quick 30-40 minute drive to get to the mountains. Even though it's my favorite place, today is the first time in the seven years we have known each other that we went! You planned the little trip yourself (so romantic). We packed a few snacks, water, a book to read for me, a fishing pole for you, a chair, and toilet paper (you never know...). We had a great time talking, walking, fishing, reading, just being... being together, being in the mountains, being quiet, being happy... It was a perfect day (well, except for maybe when you fell into the creek). Thank you, sweet hubby...it was some kind of wonderful! Love you...

"Yeh, it's helped alot..."

We had just picked Matthew up. We hadn't seen him all weekend and we were talking about what he had done over the weekend. "Nothing much. Hung out with friends, but nothing much." Then he was talking about one of his friends who has been on a weight loss craze. He's lost about 30 pounds and is now bordering on anorexic. He's one of about six children, a victim of a broken home and we suspect the lack of a strong father figure has contributed to a low self-esteem, causing at least some of the compulsive dieting and exercising. Matthew is a little concerned about his friend. But his friend has a big ego (to hide the low self-esteem) and so he's not interested in Matthew's help.

Ron commented on the situation and how he understood some of the friend's issues and how he needed a dad, and even more importantly a real relationship with God. He went on to talk about how he had struggled with providing the right environment, a more disciplined routine, and spiritual example while he was a single dad. He said, "Two things really helped - one, marrying Deiga..." Matthew said, "Yeh, that helped a lot!" I was surprised by the conviction of his words. Such a positive affirmation of my influence in his life, and an indicator of how much his attitude and behavior has changed in the last 4 years. (The other source of positive influence and help was Ron's parents - but they live in South Carolina, so it was long distance and not a 'daily' influence).

Before going to bed, Ron talked about Matthew's reaction and how much the kids love me and how much my influence in their lives has helped... just those words - both from Matthew and Ron - go a long way in helping me know I'm being a good role model for them. And on this day, it's a great feeling ...

Has it really been 37 years?!

Thirty-seven years ago, my youngest child was born. Happy Birthday, Michael - what a joy it is to be your Mom. I love you...

Isn't this a nice way to start the day?...

"love ya girlfriend! have a wonderful day!"

Donna

It was in my email inbox. The message made my day, especially after the chaos at home last night trying to get the computer/wireless internet connection working.

My world is too small...

Working on categories for the Finding Photo Freedom class. I am supposed to list places we love to go, or have been, etc. I realized how few places we go (other than the regular trips to the grocery store). I go see my grandkids a couple of times a year, but we don't take other vacations. We rarely even go on day trips. Hello! we live in California - there are tons of places to go! Yes, our world is too small...

Perspective {Monday, June 20, 2011}

In one day, this day, we found out that two people we care deeply about are going through health challenges. One suffered a stroke, one has breast cancer. We are shocked. We are sad. We are praying...

Seeing my name in print...

It's not exactly like seeing your name in lights, but seeing my name in one of the blogs I follow totally made my day! I'm enrolled in a scrapbooking class by Stacy Julian which introduces her "Library of Memories" scrapbooking philosophy. A philosophy/concept I hope to adapt with my scrapbooking. In preparation for the class which begins in just a few days, she's answering questions she has received. I don't even remember asking this question, but there it was on her blog today...'Question from Deiga' - now seriously, how cool is that!?

May 26, 2011

On this day, I got a random, unsolicited hug from my oldest stepson. It made me happy...

Text Update (May 18, 2011)

from Michael: Growth spurt - Bevan's only about an inch shorter than Melinda. (that makes him about 5' 2", which means I'll be looking 'up' to my grandson when I see him in June. Oh, my - that's just too weird)

There are some days...

(February 28, 2011)...and this is one of them. I've blogged several times about the relationship with my stepchildren. Most of the time I have tried to blog about the good days and the victories.
Today's post is not about a victory. My now 18-year-old stepson was 11 when I met his dad, 14 when I married his dad and we have always had a good relationship. He was the one I bonded with first, and for the most part the one I've felt the closest relationship. But about a year ago, it's like he turned a corner and everything changed. One day he was the way he had always been ... and the next day he was this all-attitude-chip-on-his-shoulder-questioning-everything-teenager. We have had some difficult days in the last year. Twice, because of his attitude, we have sent him away from our house to stay with his mom (who lives in the same town). Twice we have allowed him to return to our home - with the understanding that his attitude needs to change if he wants to continue living here.
In all honesty, I can tell he's trying to 'follow the rules,' but it's like he's following the 'letter of the law,' but missing the intent of the law. And we have struggled... Yesterday, I felt I had reached the end of my rope in coping with his trying to go over, around, or through the rules instead of just accepting them. Maybe that's just too hard for a teenage boy these days... I don't know. I was upset anyway. I talked to his dad...his dad and I tried talking to him...again. I could tell from his posture that he wasn't going to listen to anything we had to say... that he felt our restrictions on him were unjustified... that he felt we were being unfair - and for a brief moment I almost changed my mind about having the conversation at all, but by now, his dad was all into the discussion.
I kept my words short. I kept my anger in check. I kept my voice soft. But what he heard was if he broke one more rule, he'd be asked to leave again. 'Don't worry about it,' he shouted. 'I'll leave tonight.' 'You're always on my case and in my face.' 'I don't care anymore...' and with that he got up, packed some clothes in a backpack and stormed out the door. His dad said, 'Be careful.' He said, 'Thanks for nothing.' And the door slammed shut.
My heart is aching right now. Aching for him. Aching for his dad. Aching for me. That's not what we wanted. Not what we planned. When is the time to let go? How do you accept that you've done all you can do, and now it's up to them? How do you know?
There are some days...

Thursdays with Ali

Thursdays have become my new favorite day.

Thursday is the day for my online scrapbooking class, Yesterday and Today, with Ali Edwards.

It's no secret I LOVE scrapbooking. It's my passion. It's my hobby. It keeps me sane. It brings me joy. But as much as I love scrapbooking, and for as long as I've loved scrapbooking, I needed a change from scrapbooking the way I've always scrapbooked. For 18 years, I scrapbooked chronologically thinking that was the best way to tell the story of my life. In order.

But once my life changed (divorce, being single, remarried, stepmom) - chronologically didn't work anymore for me. I feel as if I have two lives - one with my children and grandchildren (who live in another state), and one with my husband and stepchildren, who live right here in my house! Legally, we're a blended family, but realistically, we seem separate. There's the separation in miles, the separation in age.

And so, I've looked for ways to blend my scrapbooking style as I'm trying to blend my family. Last year I did the Becky Higgins' Project Life (which began as Project 365). A picture a day with the journaling and/or ephemera to do along with it. Love the concept, but just taking the picture, writing about it (or writing about something totally random like I usually did), then plopping it into a photo pocket page - just didn't fulfill my need for creativity. Oh, sure I was 'caught up,' sorta. But I wasn't happy with the process...so, I continue searching.

Yesterday and Today with Ali Edwards may not actually be my new scrapbook style - I think that will be Stacy Julian's Library of Memories. But Ali Edwards is one of my favorite scrapbook artists, and has always inspired me with her heartfelt ... and very real storytelling.

So right now, when life is a little more challenging than usual - with forces from within and forces from without causing a lot of chaos...it's nice to steal away for an hour with my laptop and be inspired by Ali to reflect on all of life - the good and the bad, the yesterdays, todays, and maybe even some tomorrows... to feel the creative juices being stirred. Stories... my story, bubbling to the surface.

Thursdays are the best day of the week right now.